


to: the boy i never had the chance to love…

by dsf2dc



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Character Death, Death, F/M, I'm Bad At Summaries, I'm Sorry, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-17
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-16 22:33:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29461326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dsf2dc/pseuds/dsf2dc
Summary: Love is a crazy thing. We fall in and out of love. And sometimes, we fall in love with people whose heart belongs to someone else. Yet, we can't bring ourselves to stop loving them.(Y/N). A girl who loved one who loved someone else, yet stayed by his side until the end of time.And that boy was none other than...Ash Lynx.
Relationships: Ash Lynx & Reader, Ash Lynx/Reader
Comments: 4
Kudos: 9





	to: the boy i never had the chance to love…

**Author's Note:**

> This fanfic is basically from the reader's POV and them talking to Ash. It follows the basic storyline of Banana Fish with some added scenes and changes here and there. I didn't really read through it to edit because one is lazy, so I just ran it through Grammarly LMAO. but yeah hope you enjoy :)))
> 
> I'm not really sure what trigger warnings to put since I only somewhat touched the heavier topics in Banana Fish and didn't really talk about them-
> 
> anyways- here's a link to a [playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0BG8bTTKeCiwMRiJez28GY?si=vGaL7opdRgabofhlZt9Uqw) of songs i was listening to while writing this i suggest not listening to it on shuffle.  
> find me on tiktok @daiansimpsfor2d

*  
*  
*

**__**

_For the love, for laughter_

_I flew up to your arms_

_Is it a video? (Is it a video?)_

_Is it a video? (Is it a video?)_

*  
*  
*

It was the summer of ‘06. Cape Cod. That’s when I met you. The blonde-haired green-eyed boy. My family and I were on a vacation. I saw you playing baseball with your team. I ran over to watch, my parents yelling at me to not go too far. There you were, like an angel that descended from the heavens. With a smile that could light up the world. I was looking through the fence and you saw me. You became all shy and tensed up. After your game ended, I ran up to you and told you how cool you looked. Your face flushed pink. 

Aslan Jade Callenreese. 

A beautiful name. When I was younger I was rather assertive. I asked you if you wanted ice cream. You were quite hesitant but agreed nonetheless. I took your hand and yelled to my parents that I was going to the ice cream truck. I dragged you along as I ran towards the truck. 

You almost dropped your cone but luckily I was there. We were just two six-year-old kids laughing. Your brother came running frantically to you. Scolding you for running off by yourself after your game. He saw me and greeted me with a warm smile. Griff. Or, well Griffin. He took us to the park. Pushed both of us on the swings. Your ice cream ended up falling and you sobbed. I let you have mine, but you pouted and said you didn’t like cookies and cream. 

On my last night there, we laid on top of a grassy hill, under the starry sky. The place we bid our goodbyes. And made a promise. 

“Promise me to stay by my side.”

“Forever.”

***

I came back to Cape Cod two years later, on another vacation. You changed. The sparks in your eyes were no more. They lost all innocence. I asked you if you wanted to eat ice cream again, for old-time sake. I took your hand like before but you shook it off. Something changed. 

I asked about baseball, your eyes went dull. A tall man came over to us. I recognized him, he was your baseball coach. You grew even wearier. He took your arm. I took the other. Something was wrong. He ended up letting you go. When he left, you were shaking. I didn’t ask. I let go of your arm. Slowly, I walked in front of you and held my arms out. You looked up at me with such scared eyes. I pulled you into my embrace. Holding you. 

I never thought your eyes were capable of losing all of their colors. Wrapped in my arms, emotionless, numb...scared. The sweet smiling boy I meant in the summer of ‘06 was gone entirely. I couldn’t find you, I no longer could find any of your innocence left. 

I felt my shirt getting damp. Silent tears you shed. You told me what happened through your sobs. I held you close, making sure you knew that you were safe in my arms. I didn’t want to leave you. But I had to. 

I couldn’t come back to Cape Cod for a few years, due to the family business being crazier than usual. If I had known that you wouldn’t be there when I came back…

I would’ve taken you with me.

***

I thought I’d never see you again. But there you were, five years later, right in front of me, in my own home. You were standing next to him, next to that bald-headed son of a bitch. Your eyes, they were more lost than before. I could only fathom what happened to you. 

I knew about the man that you were next to. Dino Golzine. A fucking bastard and pedophile. I only got to know of it when my older brother threatened to send me to him if I didn’t listen to him. I saw it in Dino’s eyes, hunger. 

My parents never got a good look at your face, so they didn’t realize it was the blonde-haired boy from Cape Cod that I played with. I acted like I didn’t know you. We introduced ourselves as if we were strangers. You had a new name. 

__

Ash Lynx.

I knew I had to get you out of there. I asked if I could go play with you. Though Dino seemed very reluctant, he somehow gave in. 

I held my hand out to you. You took it. I guided you up to my room and made sure it was locked. I could tell your defenses were up just by the way you stood. I couldn’t blame you. I didn’t come back for four years, and when I finally did, you were already gone.

I never really lived a normal life. The mafia, a world I was born into. The (L/N)’s family. A feared group that does the dirty work behind the scenes. Barely anyone ever sees our faces. Living in a world of disguise. I never chose this path, never wanted it either. But you know how the story goes. Hell, I knew how to kill even before I knew how to talk. 

We were the same in some ways. Both in this against our wills. But, you were a little different from me. I was born into this world of death, you were dragged into it. 

Your eyes, I didn’t think that they could become duller than before. I held out my arms. You looked at me, reluctant, confused, weary. But you came to me. Falling into my arms. Screaming, yet no sound came out.

And there we were, on the ground. Just two twelve-year-old kids, clinging to each other as if we were our last hopes.

I was confused why I was going to such lengths for you, why I cared for you so much, why my heart ached so much when I saw you sad. Why my thoughts were always occupied by you. Why whenever I see you, my stomach starts to do cartwheels. Why seeing your smile was all I needed to brighten my day. Just, why did I want to be by your side, and you by mine. 

Never had I felt the feeling of love. Not from my parents, not from my brother, not from anyone. I knew it existed, but I never thought I’d ever experience it. 

_Aslan, I love you._

*  
*  
*

**__**

_I really believed you were into me_

_I guess I'm a fool, you're so tricky_

_I really believed you were into me_

_I guess you fooled everyone_

*  
*  
*

It was a normal day. Or, well, as normal as it ever would be. As always, I barged through the front door to the gang, making sure my presence was known. 

“ASHHHHHH.”

“(Y/N),” you replied with a cheeky grin on your face. I walked over and ruffled your hair, your whole gang staring in shock about how I never had my fingers sliced off by you before. 

“(Y/N), shouldn’t you be doing some “heir” stuff for your family?’ you inquired. My brother died the year before due to a sudden health condition, and I was next in line to inherit. In the past, 

“I mean... if I had things to do I would’ve been doing them no?”

“So you’ve been putting them off? How unlike you,” you replied in fake disappointment. I can’t help but roll my eyes. 

“I’m done with everything. There wasn’t much to do since my parents don’t trust me with shit anyways.”

“Same old, same old, I see.”

“Yeah… whatever not like I care. I basically have all the freedom in the world until they die so I mean- win for me.” I shrug. 

“You never change.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment.” I laugh, downing my drink. “Heard you got some company for the next few weeks.”

“Yeah, it’s some photographer from Japan.”

“I thought you didn’t like photos,” I say while ordering my drink at the bar. 

“I don’t.” 

“Yet, you still take photos with me,” I grinned. 

“You’re an exception.” you sighed. 

“As I should be,” I said cheekily. You laughed at my remark and I couldn’t help joining along. I was the only one who knew the vulnerable side to you, the only one you voluntarily showed it to. I was the only one who could make you laugh like that, smile like that. I was the only one. Until he came. 

“Nice to meet you.” 

Eiji Okumura. He was the photographer, Ibe’s, assistant. He looked like he could be in middle school, but, surprisingly, he was nineteen. The boy spoke broken English, looked like he couldn’t even kill a fly. He didn’t belong in our world. 

He had guts though. Asked to hold your gun. Everyone was shocked. Everyone, except for me. 

I knew where you were coming from. I didn’t feel it either. Neither fear nor bloodlust. He was just an innocent boy. 

It hurt. It still hurts. At that moment, I could feel it. I wasn’t going to be the only exception any longer. 

***

Who would’ve thought, that day, of all days, Arthur would make his move. I heard Shorter talking through your phone. We both sprang into action. They were attacking us left and right. We fought side by side. I had your back, you had mine. 

“SKIP! IT’S A TRAP,” you yelled. Skip, he was a charming young boy. He was like a little brother to you, both of us. Skip ran to the secret exit and took Eiji along with him. You ran to the outside, and I followed closely behind. Revolvers in hand. 

_Bang._

You got the man next to Skip while I shot the one next to Eiji. We were the same. Shorter came along soon after. You hopped onto the front, and I hopped onto the back. Luckily, Shorter always kept an extra helmet in the seat for his sister. We sped off, following close behind them. 

They were far ahead. We trailed them to a warehouse. A warehouse that Dino owned. Our guards were up. Someone, no, some people were there. 

You shouted, telling the people to show themselves. It was Arthur… and Marvin. They had Skip and Eiji hostage. We had our hands tied. 

They threw me in with Skip and Eiji, knowing I was a part of the (L/N) family. It would only cause trouble for Dino. But, they took you. And when they finally threw you in with us, you were all bruised up. Your arm was bleeding too. Yet, despite it all, you still put on a brave front for them. 

“Thank you for saving us.”

“You’d wish we didn’t.” 

You and I both knew. We both knew that we dragged him into it. Into the world of death. He was wrapping a piece of cloth around your arm to stop the bleeding. I never would’ve thought that you’d be able to trust so quickly ever again. I used to be the only exception.

***

He flew. He had wings. The wings we both wished we had. You were mesmerized, and so was I. We were able to escape for a split second, but it was only a dead end. Yet, the boy refused to give up. He flew over the wall. We could see his wings. The wings of freedom. 

Dino’s men soon recaptured us after Eiji was gone. They were taking us to a new location. But, luckily, Shorter came. The trio was back together once again. We fought them off, but we didn’t get away with any casualties. 

Skip. The boy who was like your little brother. He risked his life for you. He saved you from going to waste by Marvin's hand.

The police were on their way, but you were blinded, blinded by rage. You took after him. No matter how much Shorter and I yelled, you wouldn’t listen. I took the motorcycle and tailed right behind you. You were being set up. Shorter knew it, I knew it, and you knew it. We all knew it. And we all also knew you didn’t care. 

If only I got there sooner. I was just a minute too late. You were already in cuffs, and Marvin was already dead. Your gun was at the scene of the crime, the one Arthur took from you. 

I knew it wasn’t you, but I also knew that you would’ve done it regardless. Evanstine, a dirty fucking cop. I couldn’t go into the interrogation room, they didn’t allow me. But, I could hear. I was right outside the door. I could slightly hear what was going on inside. If I could break down that damn door, I would’ve. I would’ve raced to you. 

When you came out, I could only guess what the sick man showed you. Charlie tried to comfort you, but you shook him off. I ran up to you and took your hand. You didn’t shake it off. I made my way in front of you, to face you. Holding your hand in mine. We did that a lot as kids. Since Dino and my parents were business partners, I managed to hang out with you a lot. Whenever you were free, I took up your time. Or, well, I took you away to get a break. 

You were shaking. It was barely noticeable, but I could feel it. You were the only person I truly had in the world. I vowed to keep you safe. I wish I could’ve done more. 

You were placed in the hospital before getting shipped off to prison. You were planning to take down Dino. And, to get to the bottom of Banana Fish. Charlie wanted to help you, but you refused. You refused even though you knew you were going down a deadman’s route. 

Eiji tried talking to you about it, but he came out crying. He cares for you, deeply. I was the last one to go in. There you were, in the hospital bed staring at the city in front of you from the window. 

I knew why you didn’t want their help. It was your battle, a battle you wanted to finish. A battle for your freedom. 

“(Y/N), do you really think it’d be best for you to be around me now?” you asked. You asked in a tone, as if, prepared for me to leave you. 

“Why would it not.”

“Your parents are in cahoots with Dino, no?”

“You’re acting like I like them,” I chuckled. “Their bad people, and you know that.”

“They're still your parents though.”

“Yeah, parents who didn’t care what my brother did to me, neglected me, and only kept me around to use me. Such amazing parents, don’t you think,” I smirked. 

“Heh, guess we’re in the same boat for shitty parents.”

“We’ve always been.” I lightly snorted. My parents weren’t good people. I knew that well enough. But, at least they didn’t join in with Dino’s joy of exploiting and embracing children. My parents more so just dealt with the drug side of the industry, just like the Chinese did. 

“Hey (Y/N),” you asked. You were looking into the sky. At the birds. I wish I knew how to fly. I wish I was born with wings. If only I knew how to fly, I would’ve taken you away a long time ago. 

“Hm?”

“You’re not gonna talk me out of it?”

“Talk you out of what?” I asked, even though I knew what you were talking about. You were walking straight towards your fate. One that led to death. 

“Going against all of them.”

“No.” I smiled. 

“That’s unexpected,” you said, looking over to me. 

“Because I’ll be by your side, keeping you safe.”

_Forever._

*  
*  
*

_'Cause I'm sick of losing soulmates_

_So where do we begin?_

_I can finally see you're as fucked up as me_

_So how do we win?_

*  
*  
*

You were just released today, and of course, you stirred up trouble. I was hanging with Shorter at the time, we were coming up with a plan. Arthur’s been running amuck in downtown since you were in jail. Casualties on all ends, including the Chinese. I wanted to keep things in check, but we both knew that would've been a bad idea. Even Shorter advised me to go into hiding. 

As you knew, my parents cared more for money than their own blood. When I got home that day, I saw Dino’s men right outside the door. I ended up going into hiding with Shorter for a while. Nadia was a big help. She was like an older sister to me. Well, she did always take care of you, Shorter, and me when we were younger. 

It became us against the world. We were going to take him down, once and for all. Shorter and I sensed you around the corner. You were with someone else. And that’s where we reunited, after those long months. It seemed like you got news of Griffin's death. The guilt I felt still lingered. I was there, yet I couldn’t do anything. 

You didn’t want us to get involved. You didn’t want to put more people at risk. But you know Shorter and me, we don’t go down without a fight. We had a reason to fight too. We were fighting for our freedom, our revenge.

“Let’s go, you two.”

Shorter and I took you and Eiji to the safe place we’ve been hiding out. 

That night we learned the real reason why Eiji came to America. He was never truly a photographer’s assistant, but a pole vaulter. He injured himself in the leg and ended up not being able to jump again. So Ibe brought him to the US with him. 

I knew you were still wary about dragging him into this world, but it was too late. They got his eyes on him now. 

We rested at the Lee’s until tomorrow’s operation. Eiji and Shorter were asleep, but I knew you weren’t and you knew I wasn’t. 

“Can’t sleep?” I ask while catching up to you in the corridor. 

“I see you’re up too.”

“Why would I not be?” 

“Hm, thought you’d get some sufficient sleep for once.”

“You know those days are long gone,” I say, smiling softly. I look up at you and catch your eyes glistening in the moonlight. Eyes of despair. “We’re really doing it, huh?” 

“Yeah, after so many years,” you say, staring into oblivion. 

“Hey, after all this, want to go get ice cream?”

“I’ll think about it. I have to maintain my figure you know,” you smirked. 

“If you’re implying that I’m a fatass, I am going to smack you right now.”

“Now when did I ever do that?” you gasped with a devious look on your face. 

“Ash I swear-” I say as I ball my hand into a fist. You put your hands up in front of you and started running away, and I followed. It was like a game of tag. I chased you down the halls and soon caught up. 

“Gotcha!!” I softly yelled, throwing myself onto your back. You hoisted me up with ease and turned your head back to look at me. Our eyes met, and I could make out a spark in your eyes. At that moment, we were the only ones that mattered. All of the chaos stopped. We were just two seventeen-year-old kids. Two normal teens. But we knew it would all go away once the sun rose. 

***  


In the morning we went to meet with Lee Wang Lung, the head of the Lee family. The Chinese were the only ones we had connections to that weren’t on Dino’s side. The Lee family. The most powerful and influential family known in China. Mr. Lee was willing to help, thanks to Shorter’s involvement. 

That night, we established a plan to get to Dino. The day after was when he visited Club Cod. That disgusting high-end restaurant that served as a child sex trafficking establishment. The name alone makes me barf. To think you had to suffer there all alone. If only I had come sooner. 

The next day, we set out for the fish market. With help from the Lee family and the trunk they lent us, we got in undetected. It was a messy battle. We ended up running into Max and Ibe there too. In the end, we had to flee. But, on the bright side, you did manage to get a shot in at Dino. And we were able to confirm that Arthur and Dino were working together. 

We ended up jumping into the ocean for our getaway. God was the water fucking freezing. Shorter made a joke that he thought his balls were gonna freeze off once we made it back onto land. We rested at the back of the warehouse. It was where they were least likely to check. 

You didn’t want to waste any time. You wanted to leave right away. But, with the condition, the rest of them were in, and even you knew it would be best to rest. Max ended up knocking you out so you would finally take a break. 

While you were out, Max explained who he was to me. Turns out he was Griff’s best friend that you told me about. The one that was a journalist who was only good at writing columns, and the one who was the reason Griff’d legs were the way they were. 

We talked about Banana Fish for a bit. I already knew some of the things from you, but he filled me in with the information he knew. We concluded it would be best for us to check Cape Cod for any more information Griff may have left behind.

“Hey, (Y/N)?” Max asked.

"What is it?”

“What are you planning to do about your parents?”

“Take them down of course,” I shrugged. 

“But they’re your-”

“By blood, and by blood only.”

“...”

“Though, they’re responsible for a lot of people,” I started. “Just because they’re disgusting fucks, doesn’t mean the innocent should suffer.”

“Your family manages trade, right?”

“They do. Drugs and all that shit.”

“Then the people working for them-”

“Most have no idea what they’ve gotten themselves into. I know which are a part of the dirty work, and which are just trying to get by.”

“So what are you planning to do about that?”

“I’ll choose what to do once the time comes.”

“Choose between what?” 

“Whether I’ll be selfish and run away, or responsible and stay.”

***  


When you finally awoke, we filled you in on our plan to go to Cape Cod. I could tell you didn’t want to go. Why would you want to go back to the place you ran away from? 

You nodded and left for the rooftop. Everyone seemed worried. Max told everyone to just give you some time alone. 

You were used to being alone, like me. But, I knew you’d need someone eventually. I waited a while, gave you your space, then excused myself to check up on you. 

It’s been a while since I’ve seen you last cry. You never really let people see you cry. You hated showing your vulnerability. You were scared of being taken advantage of. 

I found you sitting down, your knees to your chest, hugging them tightly. 

“Mind if I sit?” I asked. 

“...” 

We sat in silence for a bit. Staring at the city of New York. 

“I miss him.” 

“I do too.” I knew how important Griff was to you. He was your brother. Your only blood-related family member that truly cared for you. After the war with Iraq had ended, you thought he was dead for the longest time. But you found him in a hospital. I remember you called me up right away. I was happy too. I loved Griff. For the short amount of time I actually knew him, he became a brother to me. I could tell he had a pure heart. 

He couldn’t remember anything though. He couldn’t even remember you. The only words he muttered were Banana Fish. We took care of him together. I came by whenever I could to help you. 

If only I was quicker. If it were you there, maybe he wouldn’t have died.

“I’m sorry for dragging you into this, all of you.”

“Ash, we’re here because we chose to be. This was our choice.”

“Eiji…he doesn’t belong here,” you said. 

Eiji. Heh, even the mention of his name makes my heartache. You cared so much for the boy, yet you barely knew him. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t jealous of the boy. What was it about him? Why him, and not me? If only, I could be your one. 

“I know,” I reply. 

“I dragged him into our world.”

“... it’s not your fault, Ash.”

You pulled your knees in closer to you and rested your head on them. I scooted myself over to be right next to you. Slowly, prying your hands off yourself. You looked up at me. I slowly wrapped my arms around you. You fell into my warmth. I could feel the tears dampening my shirt. 

“I’m here.”

I wanted to be your person. I was your person until he appeared. Or was I ever your person? Maybe I was just a step in. A substitute until the real one came along. 

Regardless, I’m on your side, and I’ll stay by your side until the end of time. 

Forever, I am yours. 

*  
*  
*

_Oh, this could be the end of everything_

_So why don't we go somewhere only we know?_

_Somewhere only we know_

_Somewhere only we know_

*  
*  
*

After a few hours of driving, we finally made it to Cape Cod. It was as beautiful as I remembered. Nostalgia rushed over me, but I knew you were far from joyous for coming back. 

We went over to your dad’s shop to get the keys to the house you and Griff used to live in. When we walked in, we were greeted by Jennifer first. She was a sweet lady. I slightly remember her. Heh, she always scolded us for getting our ice cream all over our hands while we ate. 

Your reunion with your dad was definitely not a pleasant one. He gave us the key we needed though. We found what we needed in the house, along with some rats that scared the living shit out of Eiji. Shorter sure scolded him for that one. 

Abraham Dawson. He was a part of the men who were sent to fight in the war against Iraq. Along as the one who shot Griff. He was conspiring with Dino. 

102, 42 Westwood, Los Angeles. The same address you aid the man who gave you that powder uttered before he died. That’s where Abraham lived. 

We decided to set out in the morning, no time should be wasted. While you stayed in the house you and Griff lived in, the rest of us went back to your father’s shop. There we learned the real reason why he told you those things as a kid, why he couldn’t help you. 

Jim was never the best parent. Actually, he may have been one of the worse. My memories of him are quite easy. I never really talked to him when I visited Cape Cod as a kid. Although, he meant well, doesn’t mean I forgive him for any of the shit he made you suffer alone through. 

I found you practicing your shooting outside. Then Eiji came along. You didn’t flinch, nor did your guard go up. It ended up seeming like you were trying to teach him how to shoot like you. You looked like you were having fun. You looked like you were having a lot of fun. You looked like a boy again.

You laughed. I used to be the only one who could ever make you laugh like that. I used to be the only one you smiled at. I used to be the only one that could bring you back in time. I used to be the only one. 

I caught Ibe staring at you guys. When you saw him, your expression completely changed. I knew why. Ibe’s eyes looked as if they had hope. But you knew well, that a hare could never live peacefully in the world of wolves. 

***  


It was late into the afternoon. Eiji had gone to Ibe, Max was looking through some more of Griff’s stuff, Shorter was taking a nap, and you were walking around lonesomely. 

“Aaaaassssshhhh!!!” 

“What is it (Y/N)?”

“Wanna go to the place?”

“That place?” 

“Where else?”

The place in the forest. 

During my first visit to Cape Cod, we both had the impulsive idea to build a fort. Heh, I still remember how much we pestered Griff to help us. He ended up giving in, and we spent most of our days in that fort. We cherished it so much when we were younger. We furnished it and everything. We left marks in the tree bark as kids so it would be easier to find it. Griff was very hesitant about letting us use the knives since we insisted on doing the marks ourselves. We really were a handful. 

“It’s been over ten years huh?” I said while opening the door to our fort. It was quite cramped, but we could still fit in it. Since Griff would watch over us sometimes, he made it so he could fit in there too. 

“Everything’s the way we left it.”

From the stupid drawings we drew that hung up on the walls, to the stains of paint on the floor. It was all the same. 

“Whatcha doing standing around for?” I said, plopping myself down onto one of the beanbag chairs. 

“Think we’ll ever be able to go back to those days?” you said, plopping yourself down on the other one. 

“Maybe someday. Someday, when this is all over.”

“That might be a while.”

“Well, I’m great at waiting you know?” I looked over at you and smiled. You smiled back at me. I missed those days. But at least we still had this. We still had this place. 

Somewhere only we know. 

***  


You cried again. 

We were on our way to Los Angeles. Dino’s men tracked us. They came to attack the night before we left. If only we left sooner, or came faster, then maybe, just maybe, they would’ve lived. 

Jim and Jennifer, they died. It was the first time Jim ever seemed like a real dad to you. He was proud of you for fighting for your freedom. 

I know you blame yourself for their deaths. 

It was a sorrowful night. That night, you refused to sleep. You always refused to sleep. I knew why though. I knew you didn’t want to worry anyone. You didn’t want to worry them about the nightmares you faced every time you close your eyes. You didn’t want the boy who was dragged into this world to worry about you. 

But that night I made you sleep. I stayed awake the whole night, letting you rest your head on my lap. I stroked your hair like the way I used to when we were kids. It always helped you fall asleep faster. 

During the night you were tossing and turning. 

“It’s not your fault,” I whispered. A whisper so soft, but I’m sure you heard it. As soon as those words tickled your ears, you calmed down. You unconsciously took my hand and held it. You held it next to your face, clutching it as if you were scared I’d leave. A smile appeared on your face. A smile I couldn’t even tell meant. Whether it was a pitiful or sweet one, I didn’t know. 

I stayed by your side the whole night, not moving an inch. If this was how close I could get to your heart, I’ll take it. A part of me knew that the hand you needed to hold wasn’t mine. I knew it but, I couldn’t help but be a little selfish. 

I wanted to be the one next to you. I wanted to be the one to stand by your side. So, I took every chance I could get. I savored every moment. Because, regardless of the promise, I would always choose to stay by your side. 

*  
*  
*

_I know I'll be alright, but I'm not tonight_

_I'll be lying awake counting all the mistakes I've made_

_Replaying fights_

_I know I'll be alright, but I'm not tonight_

_I lost a friend, I lost a friend_

*  
*  
*

Our stay in LA was cut short due to certain circumstances. We did, however, find more about Banana Fish. Banana Fish was not a person, but a drug. A deadly fucked up drug. 

It seemed like Dino had the upper hand this time around. He got the Chinese on his side. Yau-si, Professor Dawson’s supposed adoptive son, was really Yut Lung Lee of the Lee clan. And Shorter… Shorter had no choice but to betray us. 

We miscalculated. You and me both. The Chinese attacked Jessica, Max’s beloved ex-wife. I dare not speak of what they did to her. Poor Michael, a child who should’ve never felt that type of fear in his life.

We left together, leaving Shorter to take care of Ibe and Eiji. How did I not see it? The change in his aura. He reeked of guilt.

However, regardless of him switching sides, I will always love him. We both held a special place for Shorter. We knew he would’ve stayed with us if he could, but he had someone to protect who couldn’t protect themselves. 

Nadia’s cooking was always the best. 

When we came back to the house, it was empty. All except for a paralyzed Ibe sitting on the couch. He filled us in on what happened. 

New York. 

Dino’s playground, but it was ours too. 

We found Professor Dawson behind the couch hiding from us. We got some extra information from him, and he got some extra punches for us. God, it felt good. 

The Chinese came though, and soon we were on a plane to New York. We were Dino’s “guests of honor” I suppose. 

My parents were there, standing right beside the crooked man. I had a feeling they would be. I, their daughter, and only living heir was running around with a white boy literally going against the whole Corsican Mafia. 

We ended up having to have dinner with them. How amusing. They even punched holes in your ears for some stupid jade earrings. 

To normal people, it would have looked like just two rich families dining with one another. But, to us, the tension was thick. It was a game, a waiting game on who would strike first.

Saying it was a living hell being there would be an understatement. They did the unthinkable. They weren’t the devil’s reincarnation, they were worse than the devil himself.

Shorter Wong. 

I remember when I first meant him. I knew him before you did actually. It was when I was thirteen, I snuck out of my house and went to Chinatown. I was craving some ramen and thought I might as well go to its source. 

I went to Chang Dai. 

The Lee family already knew my face so I got through without a hassle. Because unlike Dino, my family was actually on good terms with the Chinese. 

His cooking never was good, now was it? God, that man over seasoned everything. Nadia ended up making me a new one and gave Shorter a good bonk on the head. 

He was fun to talk to and showed me around Chinatown too. Pfft, the look on his face when he learned I was a part of the (L/N) family was absolutely priceless. I never really debuted into the world of death, people never knew my brother’s face, so I don’t blame anyone for not recognizing me. 

We became friends after that one meeting. I hung down there a lot when I had time to kill. The gang was always really nice to me. Sing was an adorable kid. He was only ten when I met him, but you could tell he had the spirits of a leader. 

After Shorter was released from juvie, he told me about this angel he met. He was saying how the guy had piercing jade eyes and flowy blonde hair. A total pretty boy. 

I recognized he was talking about you right away. You were sent to juvie two months before Shorter’s release date. You left a strong impact on him, not that I’m surprised. Your presence is surely one of a kind. 

I told him I knew you, and he asked me to tell him more about you. In return, he told me a lot about how you were like in juvie. You really are a handful huh? Almost every sentence he uttered was followed by a complaint. 

When you finally got out, our trio was set. We really were a pain in everyone’s ass huh? The feared trio in the streets of New York. Some guys joked about how you two were my bodyguards. They all shut up pretty quickly after I jabbed them in their jaws though. 

Who would’ve thought he’d be the first to go.

They injected him with Banana Fish. There was nothing we could do. You and I were chained up to posts. All we could do was watch. Watch as he lost his mind, knowing there was no possibility of return. 

We had to watch as he kept launching himself towards Eiji, with the intent to kill. Shorter! We cried and screamed, over and over again. 

His eyes. They begged us to set him free. 

If I could’ve pulled the trigger instead, I would’ve. But Arthur was a cruel man. I didn’t hear the gunshot. I drowned it out with my screams. My eyes were blurred by my tears.

He died. 

Your screams still echo through my head. You wanted it all to end. They knew how to break you, and I couldn’t do anything to stop it.

***  


Yut Lung was sure a strange one. I couldn’t tell whose side he was on. He came into the cellar that night and gave you the key to your chains. 

I didn’t know what to think of him, because, though I couldn’t read him, I could sense something from him. 

The feeling of loneliness. 

You got yourself unshackled pretty quickly, then threw me in key. In the process of flipping onto the bars, we ended up making it a competition. Thought we could use a little light in all of this chaos. 

We didn’t have much time to spare. After we got Ibe and Max unchained, you told us the plan. We headed towards the armory and split up afterward. Ibe and Max were in charge of getting the police, and you and I were going to save Eiji. 

Side by side once again. We left no corner unturned. Killing people was like second nature to us. 

We were raised to kill. 

We finally found Eiji. He was screaming for you. He asked you for a gun too, but you didn’t want him to get blood on his hands. You didn’t want him to go to the place of no return.

“Don’t leave my side,” you told him. 

You never said that to me. 

Was it because you never found the need to, or was it because you didn’t care if I was by your side or not?

He wasn’t scared of you. 

There’s a difference between Eiji and me. If you wanted to kill me, I could still protect myself. But Eiji? He was defenseless. 

I knew why he meant so much to you. He made you feel normal, didn’t he?

Something I could never do. 

We were from the same world, while you and he were from different ones. He lived the peaceful one. The one where you didn’t have to sleep with one eye open. 

I knew he was the one you needed but… I wished it was me.

***  


You planned on heading back in. We already got Eiji out safely. He was with Alex and the rest. He didn’t protest on you going alone, but I did. 

“I’m coming with you.”

“No, you’re not.”

“Yes, I am.”

“It’s dangerous.”

“Do you think I don’t know that?”

“(Y/N).”

“What? He’s my friend too Ash.”

“And you’re my friend.”

_Friend._

“Your point is?”

“I can’t lose you too.” 

Heh, you really know how to shut me up huh? I was about to protest but I just had to see your eyes first. They were a broken wreck. 

“... fine.”

“Take care of Eiji for me.”

“Of course.”

We were about to part ways, Your back was turned to me as I headed for the door. I couldn’t let you go just yet. I yelled for you, and you paused in your tracks, I needed to get it across, just one simple word. 

_Live._

***  


I knew your nightmares were going to be worse tonight. 

I couldn’t sleep that night, how could I? Shorter was gone. 

I ended up walking around the apartment out of spite. I stopped at your door. You and Eiji stayed in the same room. 

I could hear your cries. I wanted to rush in and hold you… but I knew you didn’t need me to. Because you had him. 

I heard every single tear you shed.

“Stay by my side. It doesn’t have to be forever. Even if it’s just for now.”

“Forever.”

It was like a piece of my soul broke. How long has it been? Over ten years… over ten years and I haven’t heard those words from you since. 

I stayed next to the door. My knees to my chest, hugging them tightly. 

I was surprised when you came out. I was sure you’d fall fast asleep after that. 

What surprised me more were the words that came out of your mouth next. 

“Can I sleep with you?” 

***  


It’s been a while since I slept with you wrapped in my arms. I still remember the first time I did. 

It was the first night you ever slept over at my place. I thought you’d prefer time to yourself, but on that night I heard sniffles from your room. I found you curled up into a ball. You were calling out for your mom. It seemed like you were having a nightmare. 

I walked over to you and tried to wake you up. When you did, you jumped back. You were drenched in sweat and your breaths were heavy. And your eyes… they were gone. 

Slowly, I approached you. And carefully, I wrapped my arms around you. You were shaking. 

“Don’t leave.”

“I won’t.”

“Promise.”

“I promised you when we first met, Ash.”

“...stay by my side.”

“Forever.”

And from that day forth, whenever you slept over, you slept with me. You’d be wrapped in my arms like a baby. And on those nights, you didn’t cry. You slept peacefully.

***  


I patted the pillow beside me, signaling you to join me. I laid down on my side and turned away from you. It was just about half an hour into the night and I still couldn’t sleep. I knew you were still awake too, and it irked me. 

“Ash?”

“...”

“I know you’re awake,” I said as I turned myself around to face you. You were laying on your back, staring at your hands. 

“How do you do it?” you asked. 

“Do what?”

“Live like this.”

“You don’t,” I said as I scooted myself over to you and reached my hand up to hold yours. I propped myself up on my elbow and stared down at you. 

Your eyes were screaming, screaming in fear. Fear of yourself.

“I’m a monster.”

“Monsters don’t have hearts.”

“I don’t feel anything. I don’t feel anything when I kill them.”

“If you didn’t, you wouldn’t feel this way right now.”

“I killed him, I killed Shorter.”

“...”

“It’s all my fault. I even got Eiji worried sick.”

“Ash…”

“I’ve killed so many. There’s so much blood on my hands.”

“You didn’t have a choice,” I replied while matching my eyes to yours. 

“(Y/N)...” you said. Your eyes were pleading. 

“Ash…” I sighed, squeezing your hand tightly. “You’re not a monster. Never have been, never will be. You’re human. That’s all you are.” 

“...”

“C’mere, let’s get some sleep. Surviving off of coffee can never be a good thing,” I smiled while pulling you close to me.

Your head tucked underneath my chin, your legs intertwined with mine, and our arms wrapped around each other. I tilted my head down and rested the side of my face against your scalp. My hand made its way to your hair, stroking it ever so gently. 

“I’m here. I’ve always been, and always will be.”

_Even if you don’t need me._

*  
*  
*

_All I know, all I know_

_Loving you is a losing game_

*  
*  
*

God, you have a knack for getting yourself in trouble huh? First, it was the boss fight with Arthur, then you got yourself put in a hospital, and even ended up getting moved to the National Mental Health Institute? Geez. 

Oh, not to mention, the news saying you died? That was probably the most hilarious thing I heard. It takes a lot more than a stab wound and some horny nurses to kill the great Ash Lynx. 

I knew that better than anyone else.

I was worried sick, you know? I was scared I was going to lose you too. Hell, those bastards didn’t even allow me to visit you. On top of that, Eiji went missing. 

I’m sorry for not watching over him properly. I knew how much he meant to you, but I was too consumed by worry. 

I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to see you again. 

At least Charlie filled me in on how you were doing from time to time. During your time away, I spent a lot of time by myself. 

Bones and Kong were worried sick over me, Alex too. Heh, sorry for making your gang members worry about me.

When the news announced your death, I couldn’t believe it. I had to go see for myself. I didn’t feel it, your passing that is. My soul was still intact. 

Silly, I know. Trusting a gut feeling over facts. How unlike me. But when I went to go see your dead body with Max, even without touching it, I knew it wasn’t you. 

Of course, like the actress I am, I started fake crying. Gotta sell the act, you know? Amazing, I know. Haha. 

Max knew it wasn’t you either. The moment we were in the safety of his office, he said it wasn’t you. And I backed him up.

Jenkins was skeptical, but Maz reasoned with him. There had to be a reason why they didn’t let Jenkins, an officer, go to see your dead body. 

So, Max made a plan. He planned on going to that health facility they were taking you to. I agreed, since the chance of them holding you hostage in that place was pretty high. I got to see when they transferred you too. The men who took you did not seem like ordinary doctors. 

There was an opening soon for visitors to come tour around the hospital. Max and Ibe were the ones who went. I had to stay behind for safety reasons. It made the most sense so I couldn’t object. If Dino was the one behind it, all the guards would know my face the moment they see me. 

All honesty, I’m pretty sure you could’ve gotten out yourself. Since the visitor’s day was two days after you were reported dead, you’d take that opportunity to escape. 

I knew places like those well enough. No one is dumb enough to do shady shit while normal people are around. 

I ended up running into the Chinese gang’s new boss actually. 

Sing Soo Ling. 

And alongside him, Eiji Okumura. 

I was confused why he was helping Eiji. I mean, anyone with a working brain could tell he was your Achilles’ heel. And he had a grudge against you. 

He thought you murdered Shorter without reason. 

Sing already knew me before your guy’s meeting that time at Dino’s Mansion. I knew he’d grow up to be a leader. He’d gotten a bit taller since I first met him. Then again, he was ten when I first met him, so I mean…

Anyway, he ended up filling me in on everything with Yut Lung. Seems like Eiji was held hostage for a while. He also told me that Eiji told him everything. Eiji told him about Banana Fish. 

Sing was probably talking some shit about you and Eiji broke. Of course, he would. Eiji’s a kind boy, even with his presence alone he can make you feel at ease. 

I told Sing he couldn’t tell anyone about it, about Banana Fish that is. But that boy just ended up throwing a fit and left. 

He grew up too fast. He was only fourteen when all this went down. On top of that, he was leading a whole gang and lost a person he saw as a brother. So, I can’t blame him for lashing out at me. 

You came back early one morning. Just seeing you in one piece made all my worries go away. Eiji was relieved too. 

You complained to me quietly about how you had gotten yourself out, and then had to go back in for Maz and Ibe. I couldn’t help but chuckle a little. 

Seems like Sing really didn’t get the message that he should keep his mouth shut though. He told you that he wasn’t mad at you anymore because he knew you had no other choice. You ended up dragging that poor boy by the collar to the rooftop. 

Eiji soon followed you after, and I did after him. I could already tell what was going on. When I got there, Sing was already leaving while cussing you out. 

I think that was the first time it really hit that you didn’t need me. 

Eiji was all you needed. He hugged you, and you hugged him back. I used to be the only one you’d allow to hug you besides Griff. 

I left. I could already feel a piece of my heartbreaking. 

_Why him?_

__

__

_No._

_Why not me?_

*  
*  
*

_I feel at home when I'm around you_

_And I'll gladly say again_

_I hope the encore lasts forever_

*  
*  
*

There was something unsettling in the air. I knew you felt it too because, on the day you and Eiji were supposed to go to Max and Ibe, you guys ended up coming back. On top of that, you looked uneasy. Almost as if someone was out for your neck. 

You became more strict on Eiji when it came to going out. You even placed Bones and Kong to basically guard him. 

The next day you headed to the library to do some research on Banana Fish. Since the computer at Dawson’s was locked before you could extract any information, you came up with a list from scratch. God, you’re always doing things by yourself. I practically had to beg you to let me help you. 

We stuffed our noses in books for hours and stared at computer screens until it felt like our eyes were popping out. 

Finally, after being in the library since dawn, we were finished. 

“Ashhhhh,” I whined.

“Hm?” 

“Hotdogs?” 

“Do you even need to ask?” you smiled, tilting back your chair. 

We walked out of the library and bought our food, fighting over who was paying for it like always.

“Think of this as a repayment for the ice cream,” you smirked. 

“You’ve literally been using that excuse for the past ten years. I think you’ve repaid your debt at least fifty times over already,” I sneered. 

We kept pushing at each other trying to get our money to the cashier first. I feel bad for the poor cashier who had to witness that. Actually, I feel bad for all of the cashiers that we’ve made witness our bickering. 

In the end, you ended up winning. Tch, you and your arm span reach. God, I didn’t ask to stop growing at fourteen. 

“Hey, it’s technically not even my money, if that makes you feel any better,” you said while shrugging. 

“Tch, fine. You win. Happy?” I said while rolling my eyes. 

“Very,” you chuckled. 

I wonder how long it’s been since we were able to be like this. Just two teenagers hanging out in New York City. 

“You got mustard on your shirt,” I pointed out. 

“And you have it on your nose.”

“Huh? No, I don’t-” I was interrupted by your finger smearing a certain substance on my nose. 

”YOU LITTLE-” I fumed. You were already running, and I soon chased after you. Wiping away the smudge of mustard off my nose with my sleeve as I ran down the streets of New York. 

I think we ran a good three blocks until I caught up to you. And the moment I did, I went straight for the hair. 

“Not my beautiful hair," you whined.

“Then shall I go for the face?” I smirked. All of a sudden I felt myself flip over. You fucking flipped me over like a sack of potatoes. I began kicking and punching you until you finally gave in and let me down once we reached a field of grass in the park. Though the landing was anything but soft. 

“Hey, did no one ever teach you to always treat women with respect?” I snarled.

“Yeah, you,” you sneered. The audacity you had. 

“Well at least help up,” I said while reaching my hand out to you.  
“Oh fine, princess,” you winked. The moment I grabbed your hand I pulled you in and made you fall beside me. 

“BAHAHAHAHA, look who’s laughing now,” I snickered. “I thought you knew better than to let your guard down, Ash~”

“I think you should learn to take your own advice (Y/N).”

All of a sudden I was pinned down. 

“You should never underestimate your opponent, Ash,” I smirk as I flipped you onto your back. 

“Again, take your own advice.”

_BAM!_

You ended up slamming your forehead to my chin. 

“Ewww, you had mustard in your hair.” I groaned. 

“And who’s fault would that be?” 

We glared at each other for a short while until we ended up bursting out laughing. We were just like normal kids at that moment. Just laughing to our heart’s content. 

We headed over to a nearby water fountain to wash up. You washed the mustard out of your hair, then purposely shook your head violently to get the water on me. 

The day was going perfect until that feeling showed up again. We were just walking around the city when that wave of uneasiness washed over both of us.

We looked around frantically. 

Whoever it was, they were no rookie. Not many things could put us on edge. Especially you. 

It was weird. Whenever we followed the uneasiness to its source, it changed direction. There was only one person who came to mind at that moment. But I chose not to believe it. Not yet anyway. Because there was no way that _he_ could’ve been back. 

***  


You went out that night. Something about going “prostituting.” I swear you need to fix your habit of doing everything by yourself. You were going to get some information out of that one old fart. Lippard or whatnot. 

But, that night you came back with fear in your eyes. You even had blood on your shirt. I was trying to figure out what could’ve happened. 

You came into my room after Eiji fell asleep. You told me what happened and how Kippard was assassinated right in front of you. And there was only one place that he could’ve been shot from. 

“No human can shoot at that range. Even we would have trouble with it.” 

“I know. Whoever it is, they know what they’re doing.”

“You don’t think it could be…”

“I really hope not.”

“If he’s back, then we’re actually fucking screwed.”

“You don’t have to tell me twice,” you replied. Your face was washed over with worry. It was unlike you to be this worried, even if he was back. But, I knew why you were this worried. It was because of Eiji. It was quite easy to tell. 

I wish you worried over me like that. 

The next day, we went to the place you speculated Kippard was shot from. There was a book lying on the ground. 

Islands In The Stream. 

At that moment, there was no second-guessing it any further. He was really back. He finally came back. 

Blanca was back. 

*  
*  
*

_Let me sleep_

_I am tired of my grief_

_And I would like you_

_To love me, to love me, to love me_

*  
*  
*

Ash, what is up with you and only ever doing things by yourself. You managed to get back in Dino’s clutches, and basically voluntarily no less. But I can’t blame you, I knew it was for Eiji’s sake. I knew that it was probably your last resort. I knew that you couldn’t beat Blanca, not I could. And even if we teamed up together to and versus him, we’d still lose. 

You know, Ash. You have a lot of people that care for you. The Chinese and Black Sabbath both helped us to get you back. Sing and I were in charge of the operation. Thanks to Sing, we learned that Dino was holding a party soon. A party that you most definitely would be at. And a party my parents would be attending. 

I asked Sing and Cain to kill them if they saw them. They were our enemies now, and honestly always mine, but I couldn’t bring myself to shoot them. 

Cain understood right away, but Sing was a little hesitant. I felt bad for the boy. He’s only fourteen, the same age you were when you first became the leader of your gang. He’s already lost someone important to him, and now has all of this pressure placed on his shoulders. 

***  


Your instincts are still sharp as ever, even when you’re basically blinded. 

We ended up being able to sneak into the party. Due to Sing’s connection to Yut Lung, we found what date it was being held.

The plan was risky, but we had to take our chances. Thankfully, all went smoothly. It was a fucking warfare. Bullets left and right. Using the frenzy as a distraction, we made our getaway. Someone tried to shoot you but got the tables turned on them. We both shot him at the same time. You were able to hear the person cocking their gun, and so was I. 

We acted on instinct. 

I don’t even know if us being able to react like that is a good thing. We only reacted that way due to having to know how to survive in this world. 

I envy the people you don’t need to know how to protect themselves. 

We went to hideout in the underground sewers. You lost consciousness on the way there so I left you with Eiji to rest while I discussed matters with Sing.

I told him how we had to move out soon. He was confused and seemed a bit mad. He protested that the sewers were the safest place we had. It was a bitch to reason with him. 

I admitted to making a mistake. I overlooked so many possibilities due to us being in a rush. I suppose what people say about love blinded one is true. 

Blanca was on their side. I underestimated him when making the plan, but seeing him again sent a chill down my spine. He’d figure out we were hiding here in mere hours, no, less. 

When you regained consciousness, the first thing you did was go on about how this place isn’t safe. It took a lot of reassurance from my end to calm you down. I explained how we’ll leave as soon as possible, and that we just needed to rest a bit first.

You were still a little bit uneasy though. I could tell. 

“(Y/N), I need to speak with you,” you ordered.

“Yes, sir,” I sighed. 

We left for the abandoned underground subway. You ended up still working on stuff on your laptop and had me sitting next to you in silence for a bit. 

I knew you were mad. The plan wasn’t the greatest. 

“(Y/N), who was in charge of the plan to save me?”

“Me. Who else?” I replied. I felt bad for Sing, so I opted for taking the whole blame. 

“You, and you alone??” you questioned. 

“Yes, me and me alone.”

“The (Y/N) I know would’ve never made this type of stupid mistake.”

“Well, I did. So, sorry,” I grunted. 

“Sing came up with the idea, didn’t he.” 

“No.”

“(Y/N), when was the last time you were able to successfully lie to me?’ you teased. 

“I agreed to the plan, so it’s on me,” I mumbled. And it was true, I had looked over the plan and agreed to it. It made the most sense to regroup here. 

“This was the best option for a regrouping and replanning, huh?”

“Mhm,” I hummed softly. “Though there are a lot of mm, plot holes.”

“You have a specialty with being both a step behind and ahead.”

“Shut your trap,” I snapped. You chuckled at my response and looked over at me. 

“I still have a bad feeling about this place.”

“We’ll be fine enough. Promise. Lady Luck has been on my side as of late,” I smiled. 

“Oh really now? How so? “ you smirked.

“I’ll keep that to myself,” I laughed. 

_She's been letting me stay by your side._

***  


“Hey,” I said as I dangled a canister of soup in your face. 

“Thank you,” you tilted your head back and smiled. 

We moved over to the wall and sat down to eat. You ate normally, but I could tell you were starving. Your eyes glistened like you haven’t had real food in so long. I heard from Eiji that you’ve been living off of water and IV drips. 

Stupid. 

I can only imagine what life was like back in there. I’ve always hated Dino, and I never knew I could hate him more until this whole Banana Fish thing happened. 

“Haven’t tasted something this good in a while,” you said as you slurped up the soup. 

“I- you haven’t eaten actual food in so long you’re finding soup from a can good? Sir-”

“You expected me to be able to stomach anything while I was there?” you smirked. 

“No, but like it’s still kinda sad bro,” I laughed.

We ended up talking about the old times when we first met. Reminiscing about the past like old folk, even though we were just eighteen. I really missed those days. The days we had nothing to worry about. Those feel so far away now. 

We were laughing and smiling while cuddled up in some blankets, sipping hot cocoa together. I wish we could’ve stayed like that forever.

But the universe really does hate us, huh?

*  
*  
*

_"I love you"_

__

__

_You never said it back_

_So why do I still care for you?_

*  
*  
*

Dino got the upper hand on us. 

We got ambushed sooner than we expected. While making our getaway you kept cursing underneath your breath about how you let your guard down. 

Sorry, I know it was on me. I should’ve just acted on my gut and not try to spare anyone’s feelings. Feelings don’t matter if you’re dead anyway. 

We made it out alive though with fewer casualties than I thought. We ended up getting split up. While trying to get away, we were cornered. Sing ended up jumping in the water. Eiji sacrificed himself to be the distraction, and Bones and Kong followed him. You tried to run after him but Cain knocked you out. And everything was just a mess. 

We went to Cain’s hideout to rest. 

He asked me what was going on between us, to which I replied nothing. He was quite skeptical of that though but caught on I didn’t feel like explaining. 

I love you, yet you love someone else. 

You woke up in a mother fucking frenzy. I ended up tackling you back down onto the bed so you wouldn’t start swinging at Cain. Making sure not to injure you more, of course. We tried to explain to you the situation but you wouldn’t listen. 

You ended up leaving on your own after hearing Eiji wasn’t around. You’re a real handful. But, in a good way. 

After a long as fucking night, we finally were safe. Jessica ended up joining us at our new hideout. Pfft, the only two people she greeted nicely were Eiji and me. 

It had been a long few days. Actually, a long year. 

I helped bandage you up and you left for the rooftop. I knew Eiji was up there, but I also knew I couldn’t always be selfish. 

Sing had finally shown up and collapsed at the entrance. When he woke up he was panicking left and right. Yut Lung had taken his members hostage. He begged you to save them. 

I pity the boy. 

You, Cain, and I and a handful of his men went to rescue Sing’s boys. Sing told us they were most likely at this one warehouse that the Lee family owned. 

When we got there, there were barely any guards. It was too easy. Once we got back we told Cain to keep an eye on the Chinese. Something was definitely up. 

***  


AGAIN, I didn’t know it was possible to hate Dino more than I already did. 

Eduardo Fox. 

A former mercenary from Russia. And a dead man by paper no less. A disgusting man. He held Max and some others hostage in order to get to you. They threatened to murder them right then and there unless you surrendered.

We were a little too late to rescue you. I could tell you were trembling. It was subtle, and if you didn’t look closely, you’d miss it. You yelled at us for coming to save you. 

You always did things alone. Never asking for help. But I knew you felt nice knowing there were people who cared about you so much that they would risk their lives to save you. 

I wish you leaned on people a bit more. I wish you leaned on me more. 

When we got back to our base I was talking to Sing about what our next course of action would have to be. Cain and you were conversing and he noticed something was off with you. He asked if you were okay and tried to put his hand on your shoulder but you smacked it away. 

You were visibly shaking now. You said you were fine and left to go sit down. I was going to go over to you, but it seems that I wasn’t the only one who had that idea. 

Eiji was already walking towards you. He held his arms out and you accepted them. You stopped shaking in his arms. 

I used to be the only one. 

I used to be the only one you’d allow near you. I used to be the only one who could comfort you. I used to be the only one you didn’t push away. I used to be the only exception. 

I wondered. Was it that I was no longer the only exception, or did my only exception get passed onto someone else. 

You didn’t need me anymore. Because you had him. 

***  


It was nighttime, I couldn’t sleep so I ended up walking around to clear my mind.

“Can’t sleep?” I said as I walked onto the terrace. You were leaning on the parapet while staring up at the night sky.

“Nope, not at all.”

“Any particular reason tonight?” I asked while joining you at the parapet. 

“Take a guess,” you said while looking over at me, smiling. We stayed silent for a few moments. Just staring into oblivion. 

“Come on, you need to get some shut-eye. Can’t be having you sleep deprived tomorrow,” I said, pushing myself up from leaning on the parapet.

“You know I work fine without sleep.”

“Don’t care, c’mere,” I chimed and held my arms out to you. 

“You never change,” you laughed while walking into my embrace.

“As I shouldn’t,” I grinned. I gave you a quick hug and ran down to one of the rooms and grabbed three blankets and two pillows then came running back up. 

You looked at me confused, then chuckled a bit.

“So we're camping out on the rooftop?” 

“Unless you want to go back downstairs to where everyone else is,” I shrugged. 

You snorted at my gesture and told me the rooftop would work just fine. 

It was a bit colder up there, but nothing we weren’t used to. I laid the pillows against one of the walls and patted the spot next to me for you to join me. 

I would say the stars were beautiful that night, but the city lights made it impossible to see them. I laid one of the blankets beneath us so we wouldn’t have to feel too much of the stone-cold floor. 

You laid down beside me, curled up into a ball, while I was slouching against my pillow. I reached my hand over to your head and started stroking your hair. You subconsciously moved your head to my chest. Just like you used to do when we were kids. 

You needed a break, and it was long overdue. 

I closed my eyes for a moment and took in a deep breath of the cold night air. 

“Hey, Ash. The moon is beautiful, isn't it?”

__

__

*  
*  
*

_Some mistakes get made_

_That's alright, that's okay_

_In the end it's better for me_

__That's the moral of the story babe_ _

*  
*  
*

Eiji, he got shot. By the Chinese no less. You went berserk. I could barely even stop you from shooting. 

It was a mess. Jessica went to the hospital with Eiji while Blanca tended to your wound at the base. You were quite stubborn so Blanca ended up knocking you out. Luckily the bullet wasn’t stuck inside of you, so it made things a bit easier. 

You woke up wanting to go straight to Eiji. Blanca told everyone to leave for him to deal with you. I only just walked away with Cain, just barely out of earshot. I didn’t quite hear what he said to you, but it got you to calm down. 

A bit later I ran into Sing sitting against a wall with his head down. 

“Mind if I join you?” I said, motioning to the ground next to him. He nodded slightly in response. 

“Hey (Y/N)...”

“Hm?”

“It’s the end of the line for me and my boys, isn’t it?” he said hopelessly.

“Sing, you just didn’t have control over your boys. I’m pretty sure Yut Lung put them up to it.”

“Yeah, and as a boss, I should have them all in check.”

“...” 

“I wish Shorter were still here. He’d know what to do.”

“Sing, believe me when I say this,” I started. He looked up at me in curiosity. 

“Shorter would be proud of you.”

***

It was quite a show that went on afterward. Dino and Fox still had the hostages. We came up with a plan to get them back. 

Blanca ended up completely joining our side, ditching his old employer, Yut Lung. 

He told me you went to see Eiji that night. Yet, he didn’t know the details. 

In the morning Jessica informed me Eiji had passed away. I told her harshly to keep this information away from you, at least until we got the hostages back. 

I knew you’d go running straight to the hospital the moment the news reached your ears. But we couldn’t have that. 

We had some information to use against Dino that we used as leverage so he wouldn’t kill off the hostages right away. We let Jessica go to the media outlets and gave them the USB that held all the information. 

Since, whether we gave Dino the data or not, he’d try to kill us. 

It was the final battle. We went to the National Mental Health institute to save the hostages. Sing, Blanca, and I made a change of plans though. You were running headfirst straight into your death. So, we left the rest of the group to go to you. 

You know, for someone who said they don’t want to die, you sure put yourself in a lot of life or death situations. 

We finally found you leading that one doctor to the exit with a gun to his head. He had a briefcase with him that I presumed was something to do with Banana Fish. 

You were fighting Fox and we three helped out. 

It was quite a battle. In the end, Dino and Fox died. We lost the briefcase that held the information about Banana Fish, but we won. 

You and Sing decided to call off whatever beef you two had going on. It was pointless anyway. 

We finally won. All of our hard work paid off. 

***

A week passed. Dino’s crimes were finally being brought to light, thanks to all of Max and the others' hard work. Everything was wrapping up. Ibe was going back to Japan. Max and Jessica were getting remarried. And you finally found out about Eiji’s death. 

You handled it better than I thought you would. 

You didn’t see Ibe off when he was at the airport. Sing came a little late too. He told me he was delivering a letter to you. One from Eiji. 

Ibe had asked him to give it to you. I guess Eiji wrote you something before he left this world. 

I went back to the apartment we stayed in while we were spying on Dino. Knowing that you would come back there, and knowing that you’d know I’d go there. 

But you never showed up. 

Hours passed but you never showed up. I went to go check the New York Public library. It was your “getaway” place. 

It was very late into the night. You had your head down on one of the tables. To my surprise, I wasn’t the only one who was looking for you. Sing was there too. 

He was crying. I didn’t understand why until I smelt the slight scent of blood. Cold blood. 

You laid there, motionless. There were pieces of paper on the table. 

It was a letter. Eiji’s letter. 

“My soul is always with you.”

*  
*  
*  
__

_And I was catching my breath_

_Staring out an open window_

_Catching my death_

_And I couldn't be sure_

_I had a feeling so peculiar_

_That this pain would be for_

_Evermore_

*  
*  
*

It’s been seven years since that whole adventure with Banana Fish ended. I ended up staying back and taking over as the heir to the (L/N) family. It was quite hectic coming back after almost two years and trying to get everything back into order, but I managed.

I found Eiji's photo album too. It had a lot of pictures of you. Hah, remember when I was the only one who had the honor of taking pictures of you? 

We all changed. Micheal was now a teenager. Max is taking care of Micheal. Cain is now a lawyer. Yut Lung is doing business in Hong Kong and expanding it. Sing grew to be 6’2, fucking giant. As well as being a businessman, having his own building in Chinatown, while going to university. 

I’m quite proud of him. 

I started a trading company too. I’m even business partners with Sing. And yes, since I’m doing business with Sing that means I’m also partnered with Yut Lung. Much to your dismay, I’d presume. Don’t be too mad at me up there. 

I’ve been doing more than just being a businesswoman though. I wrote my own book. Crazy right? Never would’ve thought I’d write something. Best selling author is a great cover-up too, haha. 

I’ve been pretty all over the place. Nonetheless, nothing truly has changed. I’m still living in that apartment you bought all those years ago. Sing rooms here too. 

Also, I never knew you were this blind when it came to reading. I had to switch out the lenses on your glasses for new ones. I'm wearing them right now actually. Oh, and Shorter's glasses? Tell Shorter not to fret, Sing's been taking good care of them. Wearing them even in the winter like Shorter used to, haha. 

***

I know how your death happened. It was Lao. 

I understand why he did it, but that doesn’t mean I’ll ever forgive him. 

You were buried next to your mom. You probably already know all about her since you were the one who found Griff. She left the world too soon, just like you. But, she did leave you with a beautiful name. 

Aslan Jade Callenreese. 

I wish you were still here. I miss you a lot, you know? How dare you leave me alone. I’m offended. 

I wonder what was going through your mind when you laid there in the library for hours. If I ever crossed your mind. 

You headed straight towards your fate. I wish I could’ve changed it. If only I was a little faster. 

I love you. I love you a lot. Yes, even now. I’ll always love you. Always remember you. And will forever be grateful I met you. 

I never had the chance to love you because my love isn’t the one you need. You’re now with the one you need. The one who is supposed to stay by your side. You never needed me. Not sure if you ever wanted me either.

I told you I’d stay by your side forever, and I still hold onto those words. Forever you reside in my heart. Forever and ever, even in my next life. 

You were my person, but I wasn’t yours. 

***

“Hey (Y/N)!” Sing says waving something in his hand.

“Yeah?” I reply, “what’d you find in Ash and Eiji’s room?” 

“A shit ton of dust for one,” he laughs. I never went into the room since you died. Didn’t have the heart to. “And I found an envelope with your name on it.”

“Hm?” I say as I take the letter. It’s your handwriting. 

I open up the envelope for it to reveal a letter. 

__

__

__

_Dear (Y/N),_

__

_Who would’ve thought I’d be writing a letter, and one to you no less? There’s a lot of things I want to clear up with you, but I always had a hard time talking to you about things face to face.  
Firstly, thank you. Thank you for keeping your promise and staying by my side. I’m glad I met you when I did. I’ll never forget our memories in Cape Cod. We really drove Griff crazy. _

__

_Secondly, I was never oblivious to your feelings. I could tell. I’m sure you knew that I could tell. I never meant to hurt you by ignoring them._

__

_Thirdly, about Eiji. I care for him a lot. I think you would have guessed that. I knew he was dead before we went to the Mental Hospital. And I also knew that you told Jessica not to tell me that he died. I overheard you talking to her on the phone. Surprised? Surprised how I was still able to keep my cool?_

__

_Eiji was the first person, besides you, who wasn’t scared of me. But the difference was that he wasn’t from our world. I could’ve killed him easily if I wanted to. Something about him just made me attached. But I never forgot about you._

__

_I knew you were staring at me and Eiji when we were shooting bottles in Cape Cod. I knew you saw me and Eiji on the terrace after I got into an argument with Sing. I was always aware of your presence, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to live without it._

_You and Eiji are the two people I care about most in this world. But I care about you just a little bit more. Or, maybe a lot bit more._

_You always had a specialty for making me go soft. I never told you in hope that I would be able to keep you by my side for eternity. I know you’re probably thinking I’m selfish right now. But I am._

_Everything I’ve ever taken interest in or loved always was taken away from me. My brother, the girl I had a crush on at fourteen, Shorter, and now Eiji._

_I thought if I never showed interest in you, you wouldn’t be taken away from me. And it worked. You stayed until the very end._

_I can finally tell you everything, now that everything has ended. I’m planning to give this letter to you when we go out to get ice cream. And don’t even try to pay, because I’m not letting you.  
(Y/N), I’ll forever be by your side. Just like how you’ll always be by mine. I hope that I find you in my next life or just another life. In another life where we could be together from the start with no complications. _

_Yours truly, Aslan._

I stare blankly at the letter. A tear appearing on the paper. And another. And another. The very bottom had one more little sentence. 

_I can die happy._

And all this time, I thought you loved another. I can’t tell what hurts more. Knowing I could’ve been with you, or thinking that you never loved me back. 

I take out a piece of paper. Plenty, actually. And I write. I write to you. Pages and pages of what I felt. 

When I finished, I burned the letter. Hoping the ashes reached the heavens. Hoping my words reached you.

Maybe, as you said, we could meet in another life, and be by each other's side with no complications. Maybe, just maybe. 

If there is a God out there, I hope he at least grants us this one wish. 

__

__

_From: (Y/N)_

__

_To: the boy I never had the chance to love, because we were too afraid to love each other._

**Author's Note:**

> this originally was a comfort fanfic for me, but it was so time-consuming i thought might as well post it. 
> 
> find me on tiktok @daiansimpsfor2d


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